Friday, May 1, 2009


One time I went to the dry cleaner and I asked them if they could clean my jacket, this brown corderoy number, and the guy was like, "yeah, we clean things, but don't get 'em wet."

"Beautiful," gave him like four dollars and a jacket, and a ticket that said -- in so many words -- come back tomorrow and you'll get jacket back, clean but not wet.

I came back the next day and showed him my ticket, and I could tell it wasn't ready before he said anything. I knew the second he looked at the ticket; it was like he'd never seen a dry cleaning ticket before in his whole life, raising his eyebrows and all that, despite the fact he owns a God damn dry cleaning business. So there he his, pulling all this bullshit to indicate he's concerned, exaggerating every little gesture that's involved with reading a ticket, and sucking air through his teeth, the whole nine yards, right, when I'm like, "hey, where's my jacket," when-- and I swear on the whole Holy Bible that this is true -- he says, "Mexicans." That was his excuse. That was why my jacket had failed to be cleaned.

Despite the fact that his whole operation relies on his ability to clean clothing in a timely fashion, he claimed to be a victim of the vicious Mexican people, stealing through their life-threateningly bad work ethic. These dastardly Mexicans had curtailed this humble dry cleaner's efforts to wash my coat. This is what I was supposed to believe.

It was one of those situations where you wanna say something memorable and hard because you're so fucking obviously in the right, but I end up saying something retarded anyway, "I don't care about the ethnicity of your workers." Not my proudest moment. I wish I had said something more monumental, something that would go down in autobiography decades later as an example as my ever-present vigilance against hatred, but I went with that I don't care line. Every time I think about it, I do a weird shake a breathe in this sort of staccato way. It's like, like...

Remember in D.A.R.E. they had that thing those work books where they would give examples of conversations you might have in a drug-using situation? For example, if someone says, "Yo, buddy, you want to try some drugs," you could say, "No, I don't use drugs," which is corny but you could get away with it in real life, but then it goes on for like a twitter-and-a-half longer, "...because I care about my future and my body, and I know that all drugs -- including Marijuana, Tobacco, and Alcohol -- are dangerous and have been shown to destroy brain cells, and that just trying drugs JUST ONCE can still result in addiction and even if it's your first time, you still may overdose!"

...that's how corny I felt when I told him that I don't care bullshit.

Anyway, I eventually got my jacket back (I've since giving it to GoodWill) but I still think about that fella in the Dry Cleaner. I thought, if I was a racist, wouldn't I just be angry with him for employing a unreliable people? And also, was he a racist against Mexicans, or did he see my face, Straight Outta The Caucaus Mountains, and think to himself, "maybe this white guy is a racist, and I can use his shitty preconceptions to buy me time to wish his fucking jacket."

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

James' Review Of The Da Vinci code, as it originally appeared on

The Da Vinci Code

Alright, this review is being co-written by me (James,) and Baylee (sitting right next to me.) My credentials are I read it on a plane, her credentials are she saw the movie on a plane. (It was the same plane.)

I'll (James) go first. People say that anyone can write. This book is useful in that it disproves this misconception.

Baylee's review is as follows: I don't know what she's talking about. I'm not sure she's even reviewing the book. Ahh shit, now she's looking at the screen. ABANDON SHIP / SUBMIT REVIEW

Saturday, June 9, 2007

I had an idea. To understand it, you'll need to understand this: there is such a thing as being Carbon Neutral, where you plant trees or whatever to make up for your fucking up of the ozone layer. (Wikipedia has an article on it: Anyway, I have an idea: what if labs that use animal testing had to be Ethically Neutral.

It'd work like this: for every cute little monkey you feed viagra and cut apart its brains apart, you have to have another cute little monkey who lives in huge indulgence with all the bananas you can imagine.

Could you imagine, though?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I Found This Bird On Top Of A Trashcan

So this image got me thinking. Keep up if you can, because you are tailing the BMW fast-as-fuck-think.

This image looks like the cover of the book Lullaby by Chuck Palahnuik. Speaking of books, I once saw someone reading one, and someone talking to the aforementioned. They spoke as follows:
Other. Hey, listen to me
Reader. No.
Other (Flustered.) Hey, in the end of that book, Cherry dies.
Reader. Fuck!
The other day, a friend told me that he is reading a book about a father and son who are heading south in a post-apocalyptic world, and they have a gun with two bullets. I guessed the ending, but didn't share it, as he asked me not to. I can tell you guys the ending: They both shoot themselves with the gun. Freakin' retarded.

Don't worry, he doesn't read this blog, so I didn't ruin it for him. Very few people do read it.

Well, I guess you read it, so that makes one.

Monday, April 30, 2007

These are my things. I leave a big bottle of vitamin C by the computer so I remember to take it. Sometimes I take like three in a day (they taste good), which sounds bad, but it is vitamin C, so I am not very worried. I mean, has anyone ever died of a vitamin C overdose? No. And that means either I will have plenty of vitamin C, or I will make history by being the first person to die of a vitamin C overdose. Basically, I am guaranteed greatness.

It isn't like potassium which can make you sick if you eat to many bananas. By the way, bananas are full of potassium.

In other news, potassium is an anagram of It a possum.

Sunday, April 15, 2007


This is a picture of some crayons and two computers, and other stuff, with an illustration of mentioned items that I did all by my lonesome.

You may say, "James, you're not much of an artist." And I'd say, hey, thanks for commenting on my blog. Then I would add that you need to give me a break, for I used the crayons pictured to draw the crayons, and when I needed to draw -- for example -- the green crayon, I need to use the green crayon. But there's only one, so I have to draw it from memory.

I could explain it, or you could think about it.


See, I use the crayon I need to draw the crayon I need to draw, so, basically, never mind.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Jesus is Christ

I took this photo with my phone in Westwood Village. It was on an electrical box. I really like the composition. Evangelicals can be annoying & relentless but sometimes even they make something beautiful.

If you're reading my blog, thanks Jesus! *

*AKA Christ