Sake Bar

I went to a 99¢ sake bar last night. They serve sake, so I was like, "barkeep, gimme a sake", and he said, "okay, sure. Sounds pretty reasonable. We're a flippin' sake bar."

Anyway, the waitress brings two little jugs of sake, and was like, "we're out of large jugs, so I brought you two small ones." Weird, eh? The store has been open for like a week and a half and they've already zipped through their large-sake-jug stockpile. They should get on that.

Back to the story: I was, if you prefer the euphemism, a lil under the weather. Dealing with some tummy troubles. As they say, I had the super shits. So, as you might imagine, the two jugs of sake we're quite daunting. And you know what else they were? Hot! Who knew that sake was served hot?

Really, though, did anybody? I think that all the employees went into the back and watched me on a secret camera, laughing about the matter, and saying, "Watch this guy drink hot sake. He doesn't even know that it's supposed to be served cold! Ha ha ha." Jokes on them, though, because I was drinking, and they were heating sake and waiting tables. Pretty much, despite the fact that I was sending sizzling sake down the hatch for fear of looking like a douche, I was still the one not on the clock. I was off the clock. If I was to work at that moment, it would be volunteering, or pro-bono. Hopefully, pro-bono, because it is tax time, and I am sorta fucked in that department.

I was feeling fuckety one bottle in, but I already look like a dipshit for drinking hot sake, and didn't want to be the guy they'd remember as the guy who couldn't bring the sake game home. No, I'd wish that would not be me, so I opted to power through the sake. As in line with my opting, I powered, and by the time I finished, I was convinced I was really drunk. Here was my evidence:

1. I had been drinking all eve; plus
2. I felt ill; and, most importantly
3. I didn't feel drunk.

I realize that item number three, I didn't feel drunk, is gonna prompt some questions. Don't even voice those questions, because I'm gonna answer them before you even ask like a fucking Samurai of the FAQ. My Answer is! at some point I'd brought myself to believe I wasn't just a little drunk, I was really drunk -- so drunk that I no longer felt drunk. So drunk that my body had transcended some basic abilities of perception, namely the ability to perceive one's own fucked-up-ed-ness.

Basically, I thought the second I got up, downtown I would go, and I'd be puking on the floor. This is why I decided to get the check first. So, this I did, but soon I noticed my ability to ask for the check was not impaired at all, and in my mind, up in the old noggin' -- in my loaf, so we say-- I silently commended myself on my ability to stay cool while not being able to walk. Anywizzles, Check, blah blah blah, gave 'em three dollars (a dollar for the sake, a dollar for the tip, and a dollar for the puke), and I stood up.

Can you feel the tension? Answer: no.

Turned out, I was sober, and just had an ache in the old fuel tank.

I've failed to puke since last night through the time this article was written. But, I'm not done yet, so, who knows. How about now? No, still no.

No puke.